YOUR MARITAL HEALTH/OWNING AND OPERATING YOUR OWN SEX CLINIC: “MANAGED-A-TROIS”

There is no spelling error in the title of step nine. I suggest that couples “manage” a threesome. This is not a sex threesome, but dinner or some activity with another man or another woman with the spouse present. It is a chance to involve spouses in business relationships and other friendships that they would not otherwise be a part of.

We live in a time when the complexity and anonymity of life provides temptations for sex outside of marriage. We are exposed to attractive, available potential sexual partners almost every day. We typically relate to these people when we are well dressed, impressive, demonstrating our social or occupational competency, energetic, and without our spouse. In our marital ijfe we may feel spent, de-energized, dressed for comfort. The managed-a-trois is an opportunity to see our partner at his or her best, being reacted to and reacting to other attractive, interested, and interesting persons. With both husband and wife present the temptation or competition of outside relationships is reduced, while the positive effects of newness and energizing input from others is available.

If there is someone important to you whom your spouse does not know, super marriage depends upon using this managed-a-trois opportunity to acquaint your spouse with that person. A good marriage does not require this all-inclusiveness of the partner, but super marriage does.

“We went to a play with my friend. He loved it. He walked in with a woman on each arm. We had dinner and talked. It was really fun,” reported the wife. “People weren’t used to seeing that, and he was proud and smug as hell.”

“We went a step further. I went out with a married couple we both know and she did the same last month. It really breaks the pattern and gives us a bunch of new stuff to talk about,” said one husband. “It’s probably not surprising that the stronger our marriage gets, the more independent we feel. This ‘managed-a-trois’ assignment is just good fun.”

Marriages tend to stick with marriages, to go to the theater, to parties, to dinner as couples. This opportunity provides the chance for a different pattern, for relating outside of the “two with two” pattern. Couples report a different view of their spouse when they see her or him in this context. Couples develop friendships with one person instead of just couples, developing a wider friendship circle outside the confinement of “couples only.”